Blue has always been one of my favorite color…but unfortunately that is also the same color to describe my feelings for the past few days.

Dreams are really bothering me. Recently i have always been having quite poor sleep due to weird dreams. The day before i was dreaming that i was stabbing someone with a knife many times in the abdomen (and i just kept stabbing, without stopping), yet not feeling a bit of fear. Am unable to remember who was i stabbing, cos i couldn’t see the face and it was pretty dark. Yesterday night was about being in the ICU, watching my dad lying unconscious on the hospital bed, and with no one to come and see him (except me).

These dreams are really making me feel rather disappointed. Especially yesterday’s one: i simply woke up at 2am and cried for 2 hours (maybe 3…i don’t know).

These negative thoughts surround me everyday. Not because i wanted them to, but it’s hard to be optimistic if the rest of your family is pessimistic. Maybe i am not a great son after all…i seem to be born with lots of defects at hand: lots of acne on almost everywhere, poor posture, wonky teeth and worse of all, failing eyesight. My parents are spending bombs of money on me, but they never seem to improve.

Many a times, my mum would dwell into it, then we both start counting the amount of money needed to be spent, look into the shrinking savings of my parents, and we will just look at each other in dismay. Every month, the household is not earning: we are in fact losing money gradually. 2 years down the road, everyone’s savings in the household would have depleted. By then, if i did not go to work and feed the family, we might very soon dwindle into absolute poverty.

My brother is still another disappointment. Recently, i was scolded for he scored 62% for his Math EOY paper. Have i not gave him the assignments? Have i not taught him the concepts? Isn’t it his problem if he does not score well under these conditions? Yet my parents are scolding me more, saying that it’s not enough. They say i am suppose to stay up till 3am in the morning, and press him like a slave to finish countless questions, mark them, explain and repeat the cycle again. They are now blaming me for taking a short 1 hour nap on the day before his exam. I wanted to flame up, but what’s the use? Usually it ends up with a bamboo stick fight, or another barbaric round of my mum bashing my brother flat on the ground, and smashing of yet another electronic device or furniture. I am sick and tired of all these.

To be honest, that explains why i would want to work so hard for my studies. I am really envious how some people could go bowling, play pool or mahjong, cycling or working out in the gym. Because i would never every have the capability, or the time and freedom to do them. Money, my health, my time, my freedom…the list never ends. I was forced to learn to accept more work and stress as my form of entertainment, and live life like a guy with no life. Even if i didn’t liked it…do i have a choice?

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Sorry that i dwell so deep into the disappointing details. It’s just that i need time to think of how to get on with my life now. I really do not want to die with any regrets in life.

I wanna die a happy man, after living a dignified and meaningful life. Maybe like Richard Feynman.

On Wednesday, before i left for the research centre, i was reading a book about scientist Richard Feynman’s life. In the book he have expressed views about science in relation to religion, ethics and many more. For those of you not familliar with Richard Feynman, he is the guy who came out with the Feynman diagrams of representing emmisions from a particle, and won the Nobel Prize for his work on quantum electrodynamics, sharing his award with Sinitiro Tomonaga and Julian Schwinger, in the year 1965. All three of them worked independantly, and came to the same results.

I would recommend the book for it is very inspirational, especially to Physics students. People interested in modern physics may be able to appreciate it more. As for the Biology students, you might have to bear a little with the physics-heavy content.

The Pleasure of Finding Things Out – Richard P. Feynman. Try reading it.

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Thanks for all the comments. I read them, and was very delighted that i have quite a number of caring people reading my blog. Will try and comment more on your blogs. Meanwhile, i will wish you guys again all the best for your Higher Chinese papers. More about my life another time.